Mirage: It’s strange.
When I started making music I thought it would ease the festering thing living inside me. If not, then at least more people would know about it. And they would dissect the thing for me or maybe at least one person out there would understand it more than myself.
But I am
so, so scared.
I put too much of myself into my art, and everyone will see. Everyone will see and…
Sorry.
This feels exhibitionist, almost.
But the alternative would be to lock myself away and rot on my own. It’s not like the agony of being alive is going to be more bearable like that.
[laughs] It’s pain either way. At least now we have a feast.
~~~
Gabriel forces Sobriety to stop at the door at seven p.m. The Virtue hums in annoyance before stifling it quickly, pretending to be interested in the suit and dress Gabriel is holding up.
He hears Sobriety speak, his mind automatically processing the Virtue’s humming signals. ‘Going on a date?’
‘Can you perhaps not make such a hasty assumption?’ Gabriel shakes out the suit. It hadn’t been worn in some time, and a crumpled bill flies out of its pocket to land on the floor. ‘I am meeting someone important. Someone I have not seen in years.’
Sobriety turns to the door. ‘I don’t know. Pick the suit if they’re family, dress if they’re not. It’s a good starting point.’
He opens the door and darts through it, leaving Gabriel no closer to an answer than he was a minute before. He’ll ask… no, none of those machines know how to dress, least of all V1 who struts around completely bare.
He should perhaps still pay them a visit. He believes in no other higher power than the Holy Father, but well-wishes from friends wouldn’t hurt.
He slips on the dress and tucks the suit in his bag. He can put that on if he ever changes his mind. Avoiding the mirror so that he isn’t tempted to stay a moment longer, he leaps out of the open window, wings extended.
The night air feels good on his skin. He angles his wings against the wind, going for V1’s room. He lands on the stairwell of the building, thinking it would be polite to knock.
He remembers the room number. How can he not? Twice now he has reached a state of enlightenment, in every sense of the word, in the bed on the left side of that room. Gabriel knocks.
‘A moment.’ V2’s voice, tired-sounding, greets him. He finds himself smoothing down the creases of his dress as he waits, listening to V2 unlock the door.
The red machine peeks out at him from the gap between door and doorframe. She brightens when she sees who he is, letting him in without a second word.
‘Just who I wanted to see,’ she says. ‘V1’s been asking for you.’
‘V1—‘ He turns his attention to the rest of the room. He feels, rather than hears, the breath leave his lungs.
Sprawled out on the floor, completely motionless, chestplate removed is V1, its glowing eye dimmed. Its wings are spread out, and its left forearm is removed to reveal the broken servo at the elbow joint. Wires trail from its chest cavity, some of them connecting to a laptop. Encased in blood-filled tubing is its fleshy heart, beating a slow, steady pace.
It is alive, then. V2 coughs.
‘It’s just routine maintenance. V1’s been putting it off for too long. I was wondering why it kept overheating…’
The laptop screen, connected to one of its larger cables, flashes. Gabriel can read the words, black on a white background, too large to miss: GET OUT.
‘You can’t make me.’ V2 kneels next to it. ‘One last thing, and then you can talk to him, alright?’
RECONNECT ME.
‘Not a chance. You need to rest and there’s no chance you’ll do that on your own.’
Gabriel watches V2 work with brutal efficiency, removing and cleaning servos, replacing some that are damaged beyond repair. She coils some wires back into V1’s chest cavity, nestled into writhing flesh, and some she pulls out and unravels to plug into the laptop.
Gabriel meets V1’s lifeless gaze. He doesn’t know what to feel about this; this decorated war machine, his superior in strength, so vulnerable before him.
The laptop screen flashes again. V2 hums in annoyance, wings flaring, but lets Gabriel read the words that pop up.
STAY.
V2 turns her attention to V1’s wings. She places down the laptop before she goes, angling it in Gabriel’s direction.
ARE YOU STILL AN ANGEL OF THE LORD?
Gabriel glances in V2’s direction. She is completely focused on the wings, twisting one of them out of its socket to polish it.
He lowers his voice. ‘I have not abandoned my faith, if that is what you are asking.’
I WANTED TO CONFESS MY SINS.
V2 starts humming to herself, off-tune and terrible to listen to.
OH GOD GET HER TO STOP.
‘An unfortunate consequence of free will,’ says Gabriel, sitting cross-legged in front of the laptop. The cursor darts around on the screen, agitated, before settling down in the corner.
Text, smaller this time, at the top edge of the screen.
I am a wretched creature.
‘I can assure you that you are not.’
What do you know about me? Who am I outside of your bandmate? Someone you borrow notes from so you don’t fail the only class you’re taking? An empty void for you to scream into so you can reach self-actualisation? Entertainment? Something you fuck when you’ve gotten over your psychological issues?
The cursor blinks.
That was uncalled for. I’m sorry.
‘I am listening. Be not afraid; it is not my place to pass judgement.’
Your voice
My question is, who am I? What am I?
‘To me, you are a friend.’
V2 hums louder, snapping V1’s wing back into place before starting on the other one.
But so is V2. So is Mirage. You said you loved me once. What does that mean?
Gabriel feels himself falter. ‘I… I cannot explain this in a way that makes sense.’
Love is more than like is more than tolerate.
‘Not necessarily.’
Tell me something. One thing that makes sense.
The despair that radiates off the words sends him gasping for air. The cursor scrolls down the screen.
I don’t know what this is.
Whatever you feel for me, I cannot return it.
I am sorry.
‘It’s fine. I will still be by your side, if you wish for my presence.’
I wish I could give you more than this hollow shell.
I cannot stop. I must keep consuming, learning, moving—if I do this is what I am. Empty metal shell. Nothing of substance. You’re so bright. Radiant. I am the same defunct war machine I was nearly two decades ago.
Gabriel reaches for its hand, curled into a fist next to its head.
Is there even a me under all that? People are more than collections of what they like and dislike, what they do and don’t.
‘I am afraid I cannot give you an answer.’
I don’t understand how they did it. V2 and Mirage, both more real than I am. I’m going to die one day and no one will remember me.
V2 stops humming. Slowly, her head turns in V1’s direction.
‘They’ll remember you as the best goddamn drummer anyone’s ever heard,’ she almost growls.
‘You can hear it?’
V2 gestures to the wire trailing from her chestplate to V1’s neck. ‘Synced for calibration. It knows that.’
She turns back to V1. ‘I resented you for the longest time,’ she says. ‘So much more skilled in battle, so much smarter, so much better at everything you decided to pick up. Do you understand how many years it took me to get over that?’
???
‘Never,’ V2 says, latching V1’s chestplate back on. ‘Some things we grapple with our whole lives. Struggle is existence and existence is struggle. I’m going to think I’m unremarkable scrap no matter how much information I decide to absorb, you’re going to think you’re barely a person no matter how much he tells you no.’
I’m going to feel like this forever?
Gabriel squeezes its hand. ‘I cannot honestly say yes.’
Surely there must be something I can do about it.
‘Then do it,’ says V2. ‘Make shitty music. Pick up fencing. Distract yourself long enough and you’ll find out you’ve been putting one foot in front of another for a decade. Then two. And then you’ll realise you’ve been alive all this time.’
You have such a way with words.
‘Tell me I’m wrong.’
Go fuck yourself. :3
With a pleased hum, V2 disconnects the wire from V1’s neck.
The machine on the ground twitches. A pale light returns to its eye and its fingers move in Gabriel’s hand.
I’ve never heard you sing.
‘One day,’ says Gabriel. ‘When I’m ready.’
Its hand relaxes in his grip.
Isn’t today your meeting with…
‘Oh.’ Gabriel checks the time. One more hour. ‘I can stay here for a while longer, if you wish.’
Don’t be late for my sake. I’ll be fine, V2’s here.
She’s got more to say to me, I can feel it.
Godspeed, angel.
Gabriel meets V2’s gaze. She nods.
He picks up his bag and heads for the door. Before he leaves, he spares V1 another glance.
‘I do not truly understand it myself,’ he says. ‘But I do love you. You must hold no doubt concerning that matter.’
He shuts the door behind him.
As he heads down the corridor he hears V2 groan, slightly muffled.
‘I owe Mirage so much money now,’ he hears her say as he takes off, evening breeze caressing his feathers.
have a yuriful day everyone